My Computer has an STD.

Most of the time we frolic on the internet, bouncing from website to website, downloading software, music, patches or whatever from wherever we please. It’s amazing how one minute we can be looking at stock prices and the next we can watch some guy make a fool of himself on YouTube. We take all this stuff for granted, until our pretty little comps become terribly sick…

Last Monday I was looking at one of my usual gamer forums. (I admit it. I’m 26 years old and play computer games…that’s only the beginning of my nerd-ness.) If you don’t know, most of the time these forums are helpful and highly insightful. In these forums, users discuss how to kill the Wraith-Lord and dismantle the scepter of Orr before the fire titans run a-muck in the Elonan desert, or how the Necron Monolith’s particle whip causes massive splash and residuary damage to light infantry, especially to the Tau Krutalk Mercenaries. I mainly complain about the bureaucratic structure and bulkiness of the Imperial Guard’s technology tree, and how the Bane Blade super-heavy tank totally rocks. Most of you will agree that this information is terribly important and warrants careful and thoughtful study.

Anyways, as I was meandering last Monday on one of my many esoteric forums, I came upon some downloadable content that I thought would enhance my gaming experience. As usual, the little box popped up that says “Windows does not recognize this publisher. Don’t download this stuff you idiot!!!” Having disregarded this box thousands of times before, I proceeded to download. Thirty seconds later, my spyware blocker and Norton anti-virus both had violent and traumatic seizures. I even thought I heard a slight gag.

My little laptop got sick. Certainly I’ve dealt with computer viruses before, but never one like this. It was called something like “VirusHeat.” The funny thing about this virus was that it posed as anti-virus software, gave me alerts indicating that my computer was “extremely” susceptible to spyware attacks, and prompted me to pay $59.99 to download the solution. Just as I was about to get my credit card (not really), I said “I can’t believe some cleaver little bastard took the time to write this program.”

After about three to five hours of downloading the latest update on Norton, running full system scans, initiating the system restore, and delving into the registry to delete the downloaded virus files, my computer now appears to be better. (I hope.) My little laptop has been taking its penicillin shots for the last few days and all seems to be well.

So, my friends, my advice is this: don’t have unprotected sex on the internet. I know you’ve done it hundreds if not thousands of times, but someday your luck will change. Sure you can think you’re a rebel, downloading files, joining a peer-to-peer network, and delving into the darker regions of the World Wide Web, but some day your reckless habits will catch up with you. Someday, your computer will get an STD.

P.S. If you’re little comp gets sick after reading this post, don’t say I didn’t warn you. The title of this post is clear on the matter...