Vhrrrrum na na na na Vhrrrrrummm na na na Urrrrrrrrr screeeech booommm!!!! To those of you who don’t know, these are the sounds boys make when they play with cars. Usually, if these boys are raised right, the cars they play with are fast, big, shiny, and make lots of really cool/annoying noises, like a police siren, or the echoing of machine gun fire. What these boys don’t know is their perception of what a car is highly skewed, and regrettably not for their benefit.Someday, if a boy wants to live with a woman, there is a 92.4257% chance that he’s gonna have to buy and drive a minivan. This a traumatic time in a young lad’s life, as his dreams of driving hummers and T-34 tanks through concrete walls vanish to the bleak, suppressed recesses of his memory, never to surface again. Sure he may justify the minivan by saying things like, “It’s economical” or “My wife really likes the color”, but these justifications will never satisfy the male, hard-wired urge to drive 103mph down the autobahn.
One of my good friends recently succumbed to minivan mania…the poor, poor schmuck. I’ve tried to console him. As Payton Manning has advised, I told him he could paint flames down the side. Maybe he could get some rockin’ mag wheels, or put in a mount for a 50 cal. in the back seat. The minivan could be a nice ride if he ever wanted to abduct someone, either working for the mob or the CIA, as those sliding doors would make the insertion of the abductee much easier.
The list of “improvements” could go on…but when it comes down to it, the man who buys a minivan is in some way “less” of a man. That’s why my friend’s van is now nicknamed “The Shrivler”. But I guess it’s just one of those things us guys gotta deal with…at least we have a car, right…Right? Hmmm…I guess that’s sort of like saying we’d still be shooting, but shooting blanks.
5 comments:
Mr. Baird I like this post. I am lucky. I have a wife who shares my distaste for the mini-van. It's sports utility vehicles for the Hatch family.
.50 Cal aye? Hmmmm?
Nice post Atom, except the part about not likely minivans. I'm not sure if you're aware, but we just recently bought a van. And I love it!
I take exception to your blog, Adam. We recently bought a minivan out of necessity since there is no way to three car seats will fit into the back or our Accord. We therefore bought an Odyssey and your arguments about not liking minivans are reminiscent of those made by buyers of non-Odysseys. As for Justin's remarks about SUVs they are really nothing more than a modern "station wagon" (much like the original AMC Eagle, the first 4x4 station wagon). So if you are planning on having more than two kids and drive them all in one vehicle, you have two governmental imposed choices, a minivan or a station wagon. Choose wisely, your manhood could be at stake and buy an Odyssey because non-Odysseys come equipped with miniature sized guillotines installed in their drivers seats. As for me, I choose to drive my van like a man (103mph on I90, to the tune of my favorite machine gun fire soundtrack) and wait for the day a coup occurs that liberates us from an iron fist government that imposes their crazy ideas on us, like seat belts, car seats and highway safety.
Aaron, I see your point. But if you read the post closly, it is more of a "lamenting" on my part that someday I, too, will have to buy a minivan; someday, minivan mania will be unjustly imposed on me against my will. I know, deep down, you would rather be driving something else, like a tank or a fighter jet. I guarantee that when you played with toys cars as a kid NONE of them were Honda Odysseys. And I know, Aaron, that even though we can pretend to be "cool" or "practical" or whatever when we drive or buy a minivan, when it comes down to it, guys who drive minivans are just pussy-whipped chumps. Nuff' Said.
Post a Comment